Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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