I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
