I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
