I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
