I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
