we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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