dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
