mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize