Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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