I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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