we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize