My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize