A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
