So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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