I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
