Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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