So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just had sex on a roof
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Enjoy the penises
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
