I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
