i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
