puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
