I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
