I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
