yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
