Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
3 2 1 whiskey
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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