i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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