Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize