You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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