i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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