those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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