Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
