Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize