it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
