I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
