My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There r osticjed everywhere
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
