How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
