I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
