you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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