Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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