Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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