I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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