I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
