Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
