I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
