I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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