The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
