remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
