I smell stomach acid.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
