You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize