I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I AM VODKA MAN
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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