Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
