Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize