The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
