her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
