1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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